Thinking Outside The Cracker Box - by Bob Mace

“Life,” quite possibly I muse, “is like a box of crackers.” I’m reading a label on the side of a variety of Wheat Thins. Basil & Parmesan crackers awaken a faint hint of memory: an emaciated Sandy Duncan used to be the Wheat Thin spokes-girl.This, of course was in the days when “girl”was not considered a pejorative term for a young woman.

Says the label:“This product is packaged by weight, not by volume...some settling may have occurred...” I conclude Wheat Thins are in a big box to make me feel as if I am getting a bargain. Marketers exercising semantic license with capacities are the ones responsible for morning coffee confusion! A one-pound can now holds but 13 ounces. The claim that it makes the same number of cups is sustained if one is willing to forgo the smack-down caffeine jolt attributable to the former packaging.

When American automakers were the largest, most successful companies in the world, we measured engine size in cubic inches. The Oldsmobile 442 was an ultimate muscle car of my youth. Globalizing, we adopted the Kumbaya units of the metric system.Add an oil embargo to introduce import vehicles with engines measured in cubic centimeters. A cubic centimeter is a perfectly respectable measurement in a test tube, for a chain saw or a mini bike,but hardly for a man’s conveyance.

CCs gave way to the 1,000 cc liter (or is it litre?) measurement.Your typical gas-hogging SUV with the 4.0-liter engine scarcely engenders the same braggadocious lust after power as the aforementioned 442. Retrospectively, the 4.0L power plant is the same size as a couple of soda bottles. Something that small ought to provide about 50 mpg.

I was reading an advertisement for washers and dryers recently and realized that manufacturers no longer describe laundry capacity in terms of pounds. That’s just as well, because dry clothes and wet clothes weigh different amounts.Was the pound capacity description referring to wet, as at the end of the wash,or beginning of the drying? Or, conversely,was it a reference to dry, as would be found at the beginning of the wash function, and end of the dryer function? Too confusing.

Happily, the folks at Maytag haven’t adopted any Dewey decimal metric descriptions for our utility rooms, to date. Washer and dryer manufacturers list capacity in square feet (no direct relationship to the number of square socks a machine could contain). Matching washers and dryers have vastly different capacity, given this manner of measure. It takes, I learn, twice as much square-footage to efficiently dry the clothes as it takes to wash them. Because the machines appear the same size, I conclude the washing machine is probably packaged according to something other than volume or, peradventure, some settling has occurred.

More to the point,consumer confusion is the mode o’day! I don’t know how many golf shirts and jeans equal a cubic foot of soiled apparel. How about a washer and dryer tandem that report capacity as two pairs of jeans, six shirts, six briefs, six pair of socks (plus the one without a mate) and a towel? That would be a capacity to which we all would relate. In the end, this cracker disclaimer reminds me that my persona is adrift in a package too large for the contents. I don’t weigh all that much and yet, my abdominal six-pack looks like the full keg. And yes, some settling may have occurred.

E-mail Bob Mace at bmace@cfpmidweek.com.

15 Minutes With...

Leading County Republicans Into The Future - by Brian Brown

One of the behind-the-scenes Republican leaders in Southwest Missouri, that many may not know, is the head of the Greene County Republican Central Committee, Danette Proctor. Proctor became the chairperson in December after working for the Committee since the early 80s. Her job is to get Republicans elected to all levels of government. She also runs D-4 investments, a residential rental properties company, with her husband, and enjoys spending time with her grandchildren.

CFP sat down with Proctor on April 14,just prior to the Republican delegates being named for this summer’s national convention.

Q: What is your job as the head of the committee? A: I chair the Greene County Central Committee. We have over 100 central committeemen and women represented over the entire county. We meet four or five times a year. We promote good Republican candidates.We will be asking our good Central-Committee people to call voters, knock on doors, and put up yard signs. Our goal is to get good Republican officials to represent us in Greene County: everything from the courthouse to the White house. Q: Whom would you rather see John McCain face in the presidential election: Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama? A: I believe Hillary. That’s my personal opinion. I believe we can beat Hillary. Q: Have you sensed any reluctance among other Republicans to John McCain? A: I think, for most people here, John McCain was probably not their pick. But, I feel as good, strong, faithful Republicans that he’s the pick and we have to stand behind him and work together to get him elected as president. Q: Have you faced any unexpected challenges since you started your job? A: At our Greene County Caucus we had a challenge with Ron Paul people. The Ron Paul people had more numbers than the strong, faithful Republicans. Therefore, when we ended the caucus, we had 112 delegates and we were able to keep 40 of those delegates and they were able to keep the rest.That was in mid-March.Those delegates will go to the 7th Congressional District Republican Congress on April 19.What we will be doing there is electing three delegates and three alternates to the Republican National Convention. Plus, we will be accepting platform recommendations that will go on to our state convention.

Q: How does that affect how you select the delegates?
A: We won’t know until we get there.The 7th District has 11 counties, so Greene is only one of those. So,we don’t know. It will be interesting.

Q: Who do you admire most and why?
A: Locally? Paul Nahon. He’s a mentor. He’s been around a long time. He’s a hard-worker. He gives a lot of his time and talents to the party. I came to know him just by working on the Central Committee and I’ve been on the Central Committee since the early 80s. I couldn’t even tell you how I met him, he’s just always there.

Q: What are your hobbies?
A: We love fine dining. My husband and I love to cook, and I love to watch my grandbabies. I have four, ranging from 7 years to 3- weeks-old. I see three of them practically every day, and I look forward to seeing the little 3-weekold every day. He’s pretty attached to his momma right now.

Q: How many children do you have?
A: I have two children: a son that’s 32, Darren, and a daughter that’s 30,her name is Dawn.She has three children, and our son has his first child. Both are entrepreneurs, and so are my husband and I.

Q: What is your business?
A: Our business is D-4 investments. It’s rental property.We have residential rentals, and some commercial, but mostly residential.The D-4 stands for Darrell, Danette, Darren and Dawn.

Q: Do you think the local government has spent too much on downtown revitalization?
A: First of all, I want to say that we love the downtown and are there at least once or twice a week and enjoy it very much. I feel, personally
though, with our current financial issues,we need to be concentrating on back-to-basics with our city.